Mood Killer
I keep getting evils from the husband as I giggle away at the new posts in my GoogleReader… he’s trying to watch a deep and meaningful movie on the other couch and I’m wheezing like Mutley.
Poor, long-suffering husband, eh?
My Part in Evil
I had a deep and meaningful with a girlfriend the other day who had recently broken up with her boyfriend of three years. She had initially said the breakup was because there was no romance, no lust, no passion – the relationship was more that of a couple of close friends than lovers. It had been since the beginning, so it’s not just that ‘lull’ that long-term relationships can find themselves in. Now that the relationship is done and dusted though, she is able to open up and admit that the real reason was because she was still holding a torch for an ex-boyfriend from seven years earlier! She’d maintained some contact with this ex-boyfriend over the years as friends via email and telephone, but hadn’t seen him for a number of years as they were living in different states. They often planned to catch up when the other was nearby, but circumstances meant they always had to cancel.
So, she recently admitted to me that the torch she was carrying for the ex-bf was the real reason behind the demise of her relationship. For the past three years, she’s done nothing but compare her boyfriend to the ex-bf (an internal dialogue, of course… she would never dream of telling him this). She felt so guilty about it that she emailed the ex at the beginning of the year, letting him know she could no longer trust herself to speak with him as it kept stirring up old feelings – it just wasn’t fair on her current boyfriend. She suspected he still has feelings for her too – it’s not usual that a guy will keep in touch with an ex-girlfriend unless there’s something still there, is there? She couldn’t stop thinking about him, but he has a long-term live-in girlfriend and he lives on the other side of our fair nation… what should she do?
This is where my part in Evil comes in. I encouraged her to send him a general email giving him an update on her life, asking about his and slipping in the fact that she is newly single. Keep it chatty, don’t pour your heart out. See what happens, get that dialogue going again and see where it leads.
She called me yesterday, overjoyed, because he has replied to the email and contacted her via telephone letting her know that he is still holding a torch for her too. I really believe it’s based on genuine emotion, because there’s no instant sexual gratification in it for him at the moment, considering he is living a 5 hour plane journey away. She was just happy to know how he feels, and has no idea what this means for both of them going forward. He still has a girlfriend, after all.
I am so happy for her, but it’s only now that I’m considering the impact my encouragement may have on a stranger on the other side of the country. It appears I may have been a little one-eyed in my desire for one of my closest friends to be happy. Should I be feeling guilty?
To procreate, or not to procreate…?
Men, look away. This is really a girly-only post…
So, over the last seven months I’d been waiting pretty patiently for a certain visitor to grace me with its presence. I came off the contraceptive Pill just after Christmas, and hadn’t had a period since. I’d been on the Pill for around 9 years so I was expecting to wait a couple of months for things to return to normal, but by the end of March I was still waiting so I headed off to the Doctor. She seemed bemused that I was complaining about not having a period… her exact words were “enjoy it while you can!”, confirming that these things can take awhile to swing back into action.
July rolls around… still nothing. My skin looks like a 14 year old nerd-boy (slight exaggeration, perhaps… but for someone who can count the number of break outs she’s had in the past 9 years on her fingers, it’s kinda traumatising!) I don’t want to be wasting my time at the Doctors this time around, so I lie through my teeth and tell her we want to begin ‘trying’ for a baby soon and the fact that I have no period makes it a little hard to work out my (currently non-existent) cycle, y’know? This little lie meant that I wasn’t brushed off and was sent off for some blood tests and an ultrasound of my ladyparts. The diagnosis is Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.
I have mixed feelings. I am relieved that there is a diagnosis, and with the diagnosis comes the treatment, in the form of a diabetic medication to reduce my Insulin Resistance. The treatment is improving things already, I have finally had a period after 7 months (who would’ve thought a clot could make a girl so happy!? … what? TMI?) and my skin is clearing up.
The diagnosis has implications though. PCOS does not necessarily equal infertility, but you can be reasonably certain that falling pregnant will not be an easy feat. Children were not something we were considering for a few years yet, we are both 25 and wanted to wait until our late-20’s.
Finding out that I have a fertility issue has made me think about having children more seriously. I desperately want to be a Mum one day, and the idea that it may not happen scares the shit out of me. I feel like I want to get started as soon as possible to give us the maximum chance of having children. It’s as though my ovaries are rotting away in my mind’s eye. At the same time, I don’t think my husband and I are quite there yet – financially or emotionally, and selfishly, I don’t think we’ve had enough childless adventures together.
I think I need to relax about this, because I know stress only makes the situation worse. I am such a control-freak though, this condition bothers me because it is completely out of my hands.
Everybody is good at their job?
Noone thinks they are shit at their job.
How many times have you come home from work and whinged and whined about the complete imbeciles you have to deal with at work? How many other people you work with do the exact same thing with their loved ones at the end of the work day?? Including the person who you think is an imbecile?!
I sometimes send my brain around in circles thinking about this stuff. It’s like a chain of idiots. We all pass the buck down the chain, each thinking the next colleague is infinitely stupider than we, wondering why noone can do their job properly except me and possibly a couple of others lucky enough not to make it onto the black list. I wonder if the people who are truely crap realise that they are truely crap. I’m sure they go home even more frustrated than those who are not truely crap, because they are so awful they don’t have the ability to try and fix things for themselves. They would go around thinking they are the only smart one, and everyone else is crazy-stupid! What if I’m truely crap and don’t even know it?
I need a life. Seriously, I waste far too much time thinking in these circles.
Children are kinda… permanent
In my late-teens and early-twenties I was the Queen of Flirt. Seriously. I would set my sights on a target, and before too long I’d be hooking in. Not a conventional beauty and tiny boobs to boot, I truly believe it was a talent… one that I have recently mourned the loss of. Still not sure just how I achieved some of the hook-ups I did.
Anyway, there are only three serious crushes in my lifetime that were not reciprocated at the time. Incidently, all three of these crushes have since admitted that they did fancy me, but the timing was just not right. Now I sleep at night.
Despite being married, I guess I sometimes think that one day, these crushes (two in particular… the third I really went off him) might actually come to fruition. Think might not be the right word.. maybe daydream, or fantasize? These are not really something I want to come true. Just something to add a little spice to the mundane life I currently lead. As much as I love the hubster and we are very happy together, the life we lead is just so incredibly NORMAL. To keep things interesting, I’ll admit I occasionally let my mind wander into something more resembling the Bold and the Beautiful.
Something ruins these fantasies though. That thing… is children. Not my own.
So in my imagination, the scenarios vary. I am still married and therefore delightfully unattainable, therefore making me even more attractive and desirable to my former crushes, despite them also being in relationships. By some convenient coincidence, both of our relationships end at the same time and we are brought together by a twist of fate. Or, I am no longer married, deciding instead that yes, my true love was the guy I had a crush on when I was 16 years old and leave the hubster. I then barge back into their lives and they, of course, immediately leave their partner who was really a fill-in until I came to my senses and finally the timing was ‘right’ for both of us. We’re instantly sexually compatible and wonder how we lived without each other for all these years. Old partners are quickly forgotten.
This fantasy is MUCH harder when children are involved. They’re just such a permanent obstacle. Even in my daydreams, I can’t bring myself to be a homewrecker. All’s fair in love and war… except, THINK OF THE CHILDREN!
Creepy, or cute?
I have been anti-Public Transport for some time now. Since I got my drivers license at 17 years of age, I had set foot on Public Transport only once, and on that one occasion I caught the foulest of phlegmy coughs from a sharing and caring individual who was sat behind me on the bus. I vowed never to use Public Transport ever again.
Recently I decided to give it another shot because I had a social event to go to after work where I might like to have a drink or two. Our state government had recently opened a brand new train line which stopped near my place. I wore a scarf, so should the requirement arise I could fashion some sort of medical mask out of my woollen wrap to avoid any communal germs. I was prepared for the worst. Noone was more shocked than I when I found that I fricken LOVED the train, and I have started catching it pretty regularly. It’s cutting my stress down, big time, as my quota of weekly road-rage is way down.
My nosey self also loves the people-watching element. The truth is, the majority of us are boring zombies on Public Transport, but you get the odd gem. The other day on the way home, there was a guy who was subtly sketching an older couple across the aisle from him. I was watching him, watching them – it was pretty fascinating. They had no idea he was watching them, I kept checking with them and they were definitely in their own planet. He worked quickly as he seemed to sense that their stop was approaching. As they stood up ready to leave the train, I was interested to see what he would do with the picture. As the doors opening, he quickly stood up, took a step toward them and thrust the picture in their direction. In the hustle of people leaving the train, the wife’s face was priceless as she showed her husband what the man had drawn. He remained on the train, so there was no opportunity for them to thank him, berate him or be freaked out by him before the doors closed and train moved on.
I’m still in two minds on this one… Creepy, or cute? Discuss.
Short Attention Span… Strikes Again
Yeah, yeah… I know, posts on here have dried up again. Life takes over, then you lose momentum, and you can’t get back into it. I know I don’t have to explain what it’s like to you guys – you get it.
So, lately there have been NO changes to my daily existence, but I do feel like a shift is occurring inside my mind. It feels like, without sounding like an incredible cliche, that I’m coming into my own. It feels like I’m spending alot more time thinking what I want, what I need, in order to lead a fulfilling life. There’s been no significant turning point that I can identify, but I’ve begun thinking of doing things that I want to do and caring less about what people might think of me if I decide to do them.
I’ve always been told by others that I should be doing something creative. I just wasn’t feeling it, to be honest. I can string together a sentence coherently, but I knew my writing wasn’t anything particularly special. I can carry a tune, but not well enough to sing in front of an audience. I don’t write music either, never learnt an instrument. I like music well enough, but it’s not an addiction… so I didn’t feel music was the ‘way’ either. But photography is something that fascinates me. I love gorgeous photos, particularly of landscapes but also portraits, as long as I get some emotion out of it. I want to be able to do that myself.
So, I’ve bitten the bullet. Bought a Digital SLR, a couple of lenses then switched it on auto and had a go. Results were… ordinary. Better than my point-and-shoot digital camera but nothing amazing. I was kinda disappointed – I wanted this talent to just jump out at me and slap me in the face! I want to just be naturally good at something! My darling husband pointed out that noone becomes a professional at anything overnight… and jokingly said that I better be one after a fortnight, or he’s taking the camera back to the shop! Anyway, despite my initial disappointment, I have done a short course and learnt how to manipulative the camera’s Manual Mode in theory, now I just have to put it into practice. The photos are still pretty ordinary, but I am really having alot of fun and for once my attention span hasn’t fizzled. For once, I’ve found something I want to persevere with.
I find it hard to be impartial when I look at the photos – I really don’t know what looks good and what doesn’t because I’m too emotionally ‘in it’ to decide. So, although I don’t want this blog to become just about photos, I do want you guys to be my guinea pigs. And yes, I want BRUTAL honesty. You know I’ve asked for it before, and I mean it.
Laziness Personified
That’s me. I am completely ravenous, haven’t eaten since breakfast, it’s now 8pm.
I have food in the fridge I can cook. Delicious food, my favourite: Bacon.
I cannot bring myself to rise my arse off the chair, take it to the kitchen and cook the stuff. Even the thought of driving for takeaway is not appealing.
Laziness personified. See? I told you!
It Ain’t Easy Being Green
So, the hubster and I are about to begin building a home for the second time. The first time around we were newbies, we hadn’t lived out of home for very long, we were a little clueless. This time around, we know what we want, where we should spend the cashola and where we should cut-back and do things ourselves once the home is complete.
Last time, we told ourselves that we would get someone to install downlights (I have included an image for your viewing pleasure) for us once the home was complete. Building companies charge through the nose for this, I think because it’s a fiddley job and well, because they can. Anyway, we told ourselves with the first house we would do it when we moved in, then when it came to the crunch we didn’t. To expensive, too many other things to spend the money on. But I really love the look of them. So for this house, we decided we would go ahead and get the Builder to install. We can afford it this time around.
I also want this house to be more energy efficient. I’m not looking for a carbon neutral place straight away – baby steps, people. I just wanted a few bits and pieces, like a Solar Hot Water system and lights that are energy efficient. Do you know how difficult this is?! It seems builders are pretty slow on the whole ‘global warming’ thing and have done sweet fuck all to prepare themselves for questions from more environmentally-minded customers. Even Joe Schmoe ones like me. I’m no greenie – if I’m completely honest I’m probably more out to save myself a few bucks than cool the globe. More efficient = cheap to keep!
They directed us to use 12v halogen downlights (now, halogen = bad, mmmkay?) throughout the house. I’m asking them, “are these compatible with those fluroscent downlight globes?” – blank stares. So then we look at 240v downlights (only because I’m wondering… why does that one look different to the others?), “and what bulbs do these hold? Halogens or standard? Are they compatible with fluros?” – again, blank stares. I can get fluroscents for either, it turns out. But I’ve only worked this out myself once I’ve gotten home and done a tonne of research online. I just think it’s kind of disappointing. Builders have certain environmental standard they have to adhere to by law, but I do think they should be able to advise customers on further energy-saving selections for new homes if people are trying to do the right thing.
In the end, I think we’re going to go for 240v downlights, and then use CFL (compact fluroscent fluroscent) light globes in them. You can get a huge variety of CFL lights now for all sorts of fittings. They’re more expensive per bulb, but last around 10 times longer and use only 20% of the power. Cheaper in the long run. There’s also less to go wrong, because they require no transformers in the ceiling space (12v downlights require this to transfer the 240v power running through the home to a 12v level in the light itself). Although, it’s going to be fucking painful forking out over $600 for light bulbs for the first fit-out!
Apologies
I’ve been sitting and stewing for a couple of days now about the recent Apology to the indigenous Australian population by the new Australian Government. Apologising for the past acts of removing Aboriginal children from their families. These children were then placed either in foster care with white families, or in missions. Many of these children were not in danger. They were simply born into the ‘wrong’ family, that was the opinion of the government of the time.
The apology isn’t the part that has gotten me stewing. It was the right thing to do. The reactions of some parts of non-Indigenous Australia has disgusted & disappointed me. I couldn’t put my feelings eloquently enough to do the subject justice. Luckily, Steph has written the best post of her blogging career and has said all I wanted to say.
Thank you, Steph. You’re a star!
Brunette Stripped Bare 