Regrets
Ever done something you think you’ll regret forever? By forever, I really do mean that you’ll be an 90year old granny and it might be something that still plays on your mind.
When I was much much younger, and well before my and husband and I had even made it onto each other’s radars, I was involved in a relationship where I could be considered ‘the other woman’. Now, I was pretty young at the time, only 16 years old, so it’s not as if the guy was married. But he was in a serious relationship, and seeing me at the same time. I myself was on the rebound, and the only thing I don’t regret about the relationship was that it gave me the ability to forget about my ex completely and move onto bigger and brighter things. But before things got bigger and brighter, they got decidedly darker.
I posed for him, nude and with a pornographic flavour. It was something I wanted to do, but I don’t think I fully realised the possible consequences. I certainly didn’t imagine I’d still be thinking about them almost 10 years later. Somewhere out there are graphic images of me as a 16-year-old and I think about them quite frequently. Everytime I do, I think that it’s only a matter of time before they return bite me on the arse and ruin everything I have. My husband knows I wasn’t a virgin when we got together, but I doubt his imagination stretches as far as the content of these photographs. The person who has them is obviously not the trustworthy individual you would hope to be the custodian of such a personal insight into yourself. I have no idea if he still has them, I wouldn’t even know how to make contact with him… I can’t remember his surname at all. I could probably trace him through mutual friends, but that would stir up curiosity I just don’t want to stir up.
I know he has told a couple of people we used to both be friends with about them, but I don’t know how many people know and how many people have seen them. How many people in my outer circle of friends are looking at me, wondering if the rumours are true? How many people want to ask me, but don’t know how to broach the subject? If they did… what would I say?
I feel this secret sometimes prevents me from doing things I want to do. I don’t want to become a successful business owner or win a huge lotto prize, in case they come out of the woodwork and try to blackmail me or something. I would never go into the Big Brother house or any other reality TV show - not because I don’t think it’s my scene, but because I’m worried that once I was on TV he’d sell the pictures and they’d be published for everyone to see.
The irony is, I never saw the pictures myself. It’s as though a stranger owns a piece of me that even I don’t know or understand.
