Regrets
Ever done something you think you’ll regret forever? By forever, I really do mean that you’ll be an 90year old granny and it might be something that still plays on your mind.
When I was much much younger, and well before my and husband and I had even made it onto each other’s radars, I was involved in a relationship where I could be considered ‘the other woman’. Now, I was pretty young at the time, only 16 years old, so it’s not as if the guy was married. But he was in a serious relationship, and seeing me at the same time. I myself was on the rebound, and the only thing I don’t regret about the relationship was that it gave me the ability to forget about my ex completely and move onto bigger and brighter things. But before things got bigger and brighter, they got decidedly darker.
I posed for him, nude and with a pornographic flavour. It was something I wanted to do, but I don’t think I fully realised the possible consequences. I certainly didn’t imagine I’d still be thinking about them almost 10 years later. Somewhere out there are graphic images of me as a 16-year-old and I think about them quite frequently. Everytime I do, I think that it’s only a matter of time before they return bite me on the arse and ruin everything I have. My husband knows I wasn’t a virgin when we got together, but I doubt his imagination stretches as far as the content of these photographs. The person who has them is obviously not the trustworthy individual you would hope to be the custodian of such a personal insight into yourself. I have no idea if he still has them, I wouldn’t even know how to make contact with him… I can’t remember his surname at all. I could probably trace him through mutual friends, but that would stir up curiosity I just don’t want to stir up.
I know he has told a couple of people we used to both be friends with about them, but I don’t know how many people know and how many people have seen them. How many people in my outer circle of friends are looking at me, wondering if the rumours are true? How many people want to ask me, but don’t know how to broach the subject? If they did… what would I say?
I feel this secret sometimes prevents me from doing things I want to do. I don’t want to become a successful business owner or win a huge lotto prize, in case they come out of the woodwork and try to blackmail me or something. I would never go into the Big Brother house or any other reality TV show - not because I don’t think it’s my scene, but because I’m worried that once I was on TV he’d sell the pictures and they’d be published for everyone to see.
The irony is, I never saw the pictures myself. It’s as though a stranger owns a piece of me that even I don’t know or understand.
lori said,
June 3, 2007 at 9:27 pm
or you could just tell people that you were a wild child and had some fun pics taken so you could share yourself with the world..
not sure, but I think perhaps you should admit to it so that its not a surprise with the ones you are closest too, just in case.
brunette said,
June 3, 2007 at 10:47 pm
Lori, a wild child… I wish I could see it that way. Maybe someday I will. That’s kind of the problem, I was never a wild child. I almost wish I had been so I could simply write it off!
I just feel like this sits just outside of my perfect life. And I do feel like life is perfect, it’s fabulous, I love it… and yet there’s this dark shadow sitting in my mind’s eye.
phishez said,
June 4, 2007 at 3:47 pm
I was pregnant, now I ‘m not. And I have nothing to show for it except some impossibly ugly emotional scars.
I find regrets to be a waste of time. But that is one thing that will affect me for years to come. And it will make the birth of my children a very bittersweet occasion indeed. If I do have children.
Vincentia said,
June 21, 2007 at 8:14 pm
I just have to say that I love the honesty that comes through in your writing…
miss diarist said,
September 9, 2007 at 8:25 pm
Hmm. The perpetual dilemma of being the ‘other woman’.
It’s something I experienced not so long ago myself and I have to say has made a permanent impression on my psyche. I’d go so far as to say that is has changed my view on such relationships.
Do I condone them? No. Would I ever be the ‘other woman’ again? No way. But the colours have altered slightly. What was once black or white is now a shade of grey.
kellymarie187 said,
October 12, 2007 at 8:29 am
I was in a similar situation myself, a couple of years ago.
I was an idiot, I actually took the photos myself and emailed them to him, and vice versa. We weren’t seeing each other either, which made it worse.
He did get his come-uppance though - his laptop was stolen, and the only way the thief would have been able to use it would have been to reformat it - and wipe all the information. I was lucky. I know they’re not out there.
I also got sweet revenge by telling my now-fiance that this guy had prepositioned me for a threesome, when I was already dating my fiance. Someone nearly had their head knocked off their shoulders.
I hope you find out what happened to those pictures, for closure and also for your peace of mind.