Disillusioned
A friend of mine (yes, a real friend, not just a hypothetical “friend”) has recently begun experiencing trouble in her very fresh marriage. Married for less than a year, she had already begun suspecting her husband was having an affair with a friend of theirs. It’s more than a suspicion really.. the evidence she has gathered, whilst not completely conclusive, is pretty bloody strong. She has confronted both the husband and the friend, and whilst she hasn’t had a full-blown confession, neither is denying it as vehemently as she may have liked. This disturbs me!
I feel so, so sorry for her. She brushes it off, talks big… “I told him he is not allowed to associate with her at all unless it is in my company, or I will tell the right people and they will fuck him up!”. She’s angry, but I don’t think she’s hurting the way most would expect her to be hurting. I don’t think the hurt is about the possible ‘falling out of love’ part. It seems to be more about the injustice. The fact that he’s decided he’d prefer to spend time with this other woman over her. That he feels more attracted to, more drawn to this other woman than to my friend - because if he didn’t feel that way why would he risk his marriage for her? It seems to have bruised her ego more than it’s bruised her heart. She seems more angry at him for ruining the appearance of a good relationship rather than ruining their relationship.
I ask her how things are going, and she tells me that things are well. I don’t get the impression that they’ve sat down and had an honest conversation about the situation, even after the confrontations. As long as he promises not to see her anymore unless my friend’s in the room too, then she’s content with that. No long talks, no counselling, just threaten him with violence & pretend it never happened, go back to keeping up that appearance of a relationship.
I could possibly get over a cheating spouse, but not without alot of crying, discussion, forgiveness and probably moving to another time zone! How could someone go on with their relationship as if nothing suspicious had even entered their radar? I would be consumed by it.
D’ffrent stokes for d’ffrent folks, I guess. Baffling!
Jamie said,
February 13, 2008 at 9:43 pm
Wow. That’s definitely not something I would be able to look over. I would be a mess. I miiight be able to get over it but it would take a whole lot like you said.
callith said,
February 13, 2008 at 10:39 pm
How did she find out about the affair and how did she gather evidence?
steph said,
February 15, 2008 at 9:30 am
Wow, I don’t think I could handle it the way she has. Sounds like they haven’t dealt with the issue at all.
callith said,
February 15, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Which is why I think it’s best if I don’t know about his infidelity… But that’s just my opinion. I’d rather live in la-la land and be happy than face the reality. As long as he comes back to me and it was a once off.
Yeah, I’m naïve…
brunette said,
February 15, 2008 at 7:43 pm
callith - it was a half truth (yes, they admit to hanging out during the day on his days off and while my friend is at work) plus telephone bills showing that while he is at work, he is calling this woman (a mutual friend of theirs) at her workplace. Alot. For longer calls, half an hour or more. And when my friend asks why or what they were talking about, he won’t elaborate, saying that this other woman is ‘just a friend’ and ‘needs someone to talk to’ and that he has ‘promised not to tell anyone’ what they speak about. Umm.. who gives a flying f*ck what she wants? Your WIFE wants to know.
But my friend didn’t even know about the phone calls until she saw the phone bill and asked him about it. He didn’t bother to mention to her in their daily conversations that he’s been speaking to their mutual friend on an almost daily basis, at length. I know if I speak to a mutual friend of me and my husband, when I next see my husband I will say “Oh, I spoke to so and so today, she said…”. But, nothing.
As I say, not conclusive. Nobody’s been caught in the act. But a few things, including the scenarios above, have raised her suspicions to a pretty heightened state.
brunette said,
February 15, 2008 at 7:46 pm
Jamie & Steph - I’d have to agree! I know it’s hard to know what exactly you’d do if you were in that situation, but I don’t know if I could carry on as normal. He got her flowers for Valentine’s Day (ironically, the only partner of all the girls in my team at work to do so - what does THAT tell you about receiving flowers?!) and she still brought them to work and displayed them proudly on her desk. I would’ve thrown them in the fucking bin… Oh no. You do NOT get to ruin flowers with your guilty conscience, boy!
Suspicious of Romance « Brunette Stripped Bare said,
February 15, 2008 at 8:07 pm
[...] my last post I spoke about my friend who suspects her husband is cheating on her. He has not declared a full [...]
JEMi @ InMyHeels said,
February 20, 2008 at 11:39 pm
I think.. maybe she’s not there yet. Maybe she’s trying to focus on her anger because out of “him falling out of love with me” and “him choosing to spend time with someone else over me” I would say the latter is the lesser of two evils…at least from her perspective
Think about it this way-
Being angry about someone stepping out for “no good reason” (the injustice), you’re pissed, you think you can correct it with the threats, the anger etc
but
someone is falling out of love with you…what can you do about that? not a thing except hate life and be miserable..
I think this is her coping mechanism - she has assumed her poison of choice - Denial which wont do much outside of making things more difficult when/if the truth is forced into the light
at least thats how I see it..
brunette said,
February 22, 2008 at 7:19 pm
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head their Jemi. It’s just a different poison of choice to the one I would’ve chosen, I think that’s why I’m find it tough to ‘get’ where she’s at.
I feel like yelling ‘WHERE’S YOUR SELF RESPECT, WOMAN?!’… she’s hardly told a soul, so maybe that’s how she feels she is able to maintain something resembling self-respect.