Brunette Stripped Bare

I had a deep and meaningful with a girlfriend the other day who had recently broken up with her boyfriend of three years. She had initially said the breakup was because there was no romance, no lust, no passion - the relationship was more that of a couple of close friends than lovers. It had been since the beginning, so it’s not just that ‘lull’ that long-term relationships can find themselves in. Now that the relationship is done and dusted though, she is able to open up and admit that the real reason was because she was still holding a torch for an ex-boyfriend from seven years earlier! She’d maintained some contact with this ex-boyfriend over the years as friends via email and telephone, but hadn’t seen him for a number of years as they were living in different states. They often planned to catch up when the other was nearby, but circumstances meant they always had to cancel.

So, she recently admitted to me that the torch she was carrying for the ex-bf was the real reason behind the demise of her relationship. For the past three years, she’s done nothing but compare her boyfriend to the ex-bf (an internal dialogue, of course… she would never dream of telling him this). She felt so guilty about it that she emailed the ex at the beginning of the year, letting him know she could no longer trust herself to speak with him as it kept stirring up old feelings - it just wasn’t fair on her current boyfriend. She suspected he still has feelings for her too - it’s not usual that a guy will keep in touch with an ex-girlfriend unless there’s something still there, is there? She couldn’t stop thinking about him, but he has a long-term live-in girlfriend and he lives on the other side of our fair nation… what should she do?

This is where my part in Evil comes in. I encouraged her to send him a general email giving him an update on her life, asking about his and slipping in the fact that she is newly single. Keep it chatty, don’t pour your heart out. See what happens, get that dialogue going again and see where it leads.

She called me yesterday, overjoyed, because he has replied to the email and contacted her via telephone letting her know that he is still holding a torch for her too. I really believe it’s based on genuine emotion, because there’s no instant sexual gratification in it for him at the moment, considering he is living a 5 hour plane journey away. She was just happy to know how he feels, and has no idea what this means for both of them going forward. He still has a girlfriend, after all.

I am so happy for her, but it’s only now that I’m considering the impact my encouragement may have on a stranger on the other side of the country. It appears I may have been a little one-eyed in my desire for one of my closest friends to be happy. Should I be feeling guilty?

My relationship is pretty low-frills. Always has been, and with my husband, I suspect it always will be. Recent events have made me realise I’ve become suspicious of romantics.

In my last post I spoke about my friend who suspects her husband is cheating on her. He has not declared a full admission, but I think both of them know that something not quite above-board occurred, and both of them are attempting to move on. No tears, few arguments, let’s just gloss over this and carry on. Everything’s peachy!

Valentine’s Day recently passed us by. As is the usual theme in our seven-year relationship, we did not give gifts. In previous years, I sometimes gave a card or a letter to the hubster, which he promptly read and stuffed in a drawer somewhere. Didn’t bother this year. Looking around my workplace, it appears flashy displays of affection on V’Day is out of fashion. The new Receptionist had a couple of secret admirers (I’ve got to admit, she is cute), but nobody in a relationship got anything from their partners. Except one. Yep, the friend with the cheating husband. Irony, anyone? Big bunch of flowers sat right there on her desk. Just goes to show, it isn’t really the thought that counts, is it? If he was my husband, if he was lucky enough that I was still letting him hang around, I would still be making him pay. The flowers would’ve been straight in the fucking bin. Flowers are not the way to win back my trust. Keeping your dick in your pants (or mine… noone else’s!) is the way to go about it.

Similarly, I have the same distrust for men who come prepared with elaborate proposals of marriage. I seem to believe that men who have to try that hard to get the woman to say ‘yes’ must be trying to distract her from the reality of their personality or their relationship. Bombard her with helicopters, limousines & romance and she’ll feel too guilty to say no!

It’s actually something I’ve always loved about our relationship, the simplicity of it. It really doesn’t bother me that I don’t get showered with romance. As long as he tells me I’m cute, sexy, beautiful or hot on a regular basis and continues to be there for me whenever I need him, I can do without the romantic gestures!

A friend of mine (yes, a real friend, not just a hypothetical “friend”) has recently begun experiencing trouble in her very fresh marriage. Married for less than a year, she had already begun suspecting her husband was having an affair with a friend of theirs.  It’s more than a suspicion really.. the evidence she has gathered, whilst not completely conclusive, is pretty bloody strong. She has confronted both the husband and the friend, and whilst she hasn’t had a full-blown confession, neither is denying it as vehemently as she may have liked. This disturbs me!

I feel so, so sorry for her. She brushes it off, talks big… “I told him he is not allowed to associate with her at all unless it is in my company, or I will tell the right people and they will fuck him up!”. She’s angry, but I don’t think she’s hurting the way most would expect her to be hurting. I don’t think the hurt is about the possible ‘falling out of love’ part. It seems to be more about the injustice. The fact that he’s decided he’d prefer to spend time with this other woman over her. That he feels more attracted to, more drawn to this other woman than to my friend - because if he didn’t feel that way why would he risk his marriage for her? It seems to have bruised her ego more than it’s bruised her heart. She seems more angry at him for ruining the appearance of a good relationship rather than ruining their relationship.

I ask her how things are going, and she tells me that things are well. I don’t get the impression that they’ve sat down and had an honest conversation about the situation, even after the confrontations. As long as he promises not to see her anymore unless my friend’s in the room too, then she’s content with that. No long talks, no counselling, just threaten him with violence & pretend it never happened, go back to keeping up that appearance of a relationship.

I could possibly get over a cheating spouse, but not without alot of crying, discussion, forgiveness and probably moving to another time zone! How could someone go on with their relationship as if nothing suspicious had even entered their radar? I would be consumed by it.

D’ffrent stokes for d’ffrent folks, I guess. Baffling!

I seem to be the only one in this world who wants people to be honest with me.

I often get in trouble for speaking my mind a little too quickly, or for telling people how I see a situation. That’s because I tell it how I really see it, not a bucket full of bullshit. I prefer that people do the same with me too. Even when I say that, I honestly mean it! I’m sick of people who think they want the truth, then get in a mad sulk about things when you tell them what’s really on your mind.

I feel like there’s only a couple of people in my life who I can trust to really put it out there for me… my husband, my dad, and a couple of people at work. It kinda concerns me that I don’t have anyone in my circle of friends who I feel does that for me. Maybe the politics in that area of my life is too precariously balanced to expect anyone to want to upset it? I just think it’s disappointing that two work colleagues have more true, deep honesty than some of my closest friends. What a strange situation! I really want someone to say to me now and then “fuck, what the hell are you wearing, that’s two hundred degrees of grossness. Try harder next time!”. Diplomacy is over-rated, especially amongst friends who have been together since primary school!