Mood Killer
I keep getting evils from the husband as I giggle away at the new posts in my GoogleReader… he’s trying to watch a deep and meaningful movie on the other couch and I’m wheezing like Mutley.
Poor, long-suffering husband, eh?
My Part in Evil
I had a deep and meaningful with a girlfriend the other day who had recently broken up with her boyfriend of three years. She had initially said the breakup was because there was no romance, no lust, no passion - the relationship was more that of a couple of close friends than lovers. It had been since the beginning, so it’s not just that ‘lull’ that long-term relationships can find themselves in. Now that the relationship is done and dusted though, she is able to open up and admit that the real reason was because she was still holding a torch for an ex-boyfriend from seven years earlier! She’d maintained some contact with this ex-boyfriend over the years as friends via email and telephone, but hadn’t seen him for a number of years as they were living in different states. They often planned to catch up when the other was nearby, but circumstances meant they always had to cancel.
So, she recently admitted to me that the torch she was carrying for the ex-bf was the real reason behind the demise of her relationship. For the past three years, she’s done nothing but compare her boyfriend to the ex-bf (an internal dialogue, of course… she would never dream of telling him this). She felt so guilty about it that she emailed the ex at the beginning of the year, letting him know she could no longer trust herself to speak with him as it kept stirring up old feelings - it just wasn’t fair on her current boyfriend. She suspected he still has feelings for her too - it’s not usual that a guy will keep in touch with an ex-girlfriend unless there’s something still there, is there? She couldn’t stop thinking about him, but he has a long-term live-in girlfriend and he lives on the other side of our fair nation… what should she do?
This is where my part in Evil comes in. I encouraged her to send him a general email giving him an update on her life, asking about his and slipping in the fact that she is newly single. Keep it chatty, don’t pour your heart out. See what happens, get that dialogue going again and see where it leads.
She called me yesterday, overjoyed, because he has replied to the email and contacted her via telephone letting her know that he is still holding a torch for her too. I really believe it’s based on genuine emotion, because there’s no instant sexual gratification in it for him at the moment, considering he is living a 5 hour plane journey away. She was just happy to know how he feels, and has no idea what this means for both of them going forward. He still has a girlfriend, after all.
I am so happy for her, but it’s only now that I’m considering the impact my encouragement may have on a stranger on the other side of the country. It appears I may have been a little one-eyed in my desire for one of my closest friends to be happy. Should I be feeling guilty?
To procreate, or not to procreate…?
Men, look away. This is really a girly-only post…
So, over the last seven months I’d been waiting pretty patiently for a certain visitor to grace me with its presence. I came off the contraceptive Pill just after Christmas, and hadn’t had a period since. I’d been on the Pill for around 9 years so I was expecting to wait a couple of months for things to return to normal, but by the end of March I was still waiting so I headed off to the Doctor. She seemed bemused that I was complaining about not having a period… her exact words were “enjoy it while you can!”, confirming that these things can take awhile to swing back into action.
July rolls around… still nothing. My skin looks like a 14 year old nerd-boy (slight exaggeration, perhaps… but for someone who can count the number of break outs she’s had in the past 9 years on her fingers, it’s kinda traumatising!) I don’t want to be wasting my time at the Doctors this time around, so I lie through my teeth and tell her we want to begin ‘trying’ for a baby soon and the fact that I have no period makes it a little hard to work out my (currently non-existent) cycle, y’know? This little lie meant that I wasn’t brushed off and was sent off for some blood tests and an ultrasound of my ladyparts. The diagnosis is Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.
I have mixed feelings. I am relieved that there is a diagnosis, and with the diagnosis comes the treatment, in the form of a diabetic medication to reduce my Insulin Resistance. The treatment is improving things already, I have finally had a period after 7 months (who would’ve thought a clot could make a girl so happy!? … what? TMI?) and my skin is clearing up.
The diagnosis has implications though. PCOS does not necessarily equal infertility, but you can be reasonably certain that falling pregnant will not be an easy feat. Children were not something we were considering for a few years yet, we are both 25 and wanted to wait until our late-20’s.
Finding out that I have a fertility issue has made me think about having children more seriously. I desperately want to be a Mum one day, and the idea that it may not happen scares the shit out of me. I feel like I want to get started as soon as possible to give us the maximum chance of having children. It’s as though my ovaries are rotting away in my mind’s eye. At the same time, I don’t think my husband and I are quite there yet - financially or emotionally, and selfishly, I don’t think we’ve had enough childless adventures together.
I think I need to relax about this, because I know stress only makes the situation worse. I am such a control-freak though, this condition bothers me because it is completely out of my hands.
Children are kinda… permanent
In my late-teens and early-twenties I was the Queen of Flirt. Seriously. I would set my sights on a target, and before too long I’d be hooking in. Not a conventional beauty and tiny boobs to boot, I truly believe it was a talent… one that I have recently mourned the loss of. Still not sure just how I achieved some of the hook-ups I did.
Anyway, there are only three serious crushes in my lifetime that were not reciprocated at the time. Incidently, all three of these crushes have since admitted that they did fancy me, but the timing was just not right. Now I sleep at night.
Despite being married, I guess I sometimes think that one day, these crushes (two in particular… the third I really went off him) might actually come to fruition. Think might not be the right word.. maybe daydream, or fantasize? These are not really something I want to come true. Just something to add a little spice to the mundane life I currently lead. As much as I love the hubster and we are very happy together, the life we lead is just so incredibly NORMAL. To keep things interesting, I’ll admit I occasionally let my mind wander into something more resembling the Bold and the Beautiful.
Something ruins these fantasies though. That thing… is children. Not my own.
So in my imagination, the scenarios vary. I am still married and therefore delightfully unattainable, therefore making me even more attractive and desirable to my former crushes, despite them also being in relationships. By some convenient coincidence, both of our relationships end at the same time and we are brought together by a twist of fate. Or, I am no longer married, deciding instead that yes, my true love was the guy I had a crush on when I was 16 years old and leave the hubster. I then barge back into their lives and they, of course, immediately leave their partner who was really a fill-in until I came to my senses and finally the timing was ‘right’ for both of us. We’re instantly sexually compatible and wonder how we lived without each other for all these years. Old partners are quickly forgotten.
This fantasy is MUCH harder when children are involved. They’re just such a permanent obstacle. Even in my daydreams, I can’t bring myself to be a homewrecker. All’s fair in love and war… except, THINK OF THE CHILDREN!
Suspicious of Romance
My relationship is pretty low-frills. Always has been, and with my husband, I suspect it always will be. Recent events have made me realise I’ve become suspicious of romantics.
In my last post I spoke about my friend who suspects her husband is cheating on her. He has not declared a full admission, but I think both of them know that something not quite above-board occurred, and both of them are attempting to move on. No tears, few arguments, let’s just gloss over this and carry on. Everything’s peachy!
Valentine’s Day recently passed us by. As is the usual theme in our seven-year relationship, we did not give gifts. In previous years, I sometimes gave a card or a letter to the hubster, which he promptly read and stuffed in a drawer somewhere. Didn’t bother this year. Looking around my workplace, it appears flashy displays of affection on V’Day is out of fashion. The new Receptionist had a couple of secret admirers (I’ve got to admit, she is cute), but nobody in a relationship got anything from their partners. Except one. Yep, the friend with the cheating husband. Irony, anyone? Big bunch of flowers sat right there on her desk. Just goes to show, it isn’t really the thought that counts, is it? If he was my husband, if he was lucky enough that I was still letting him hang around, I would still be making him pay. The flowers would’ve been straight in the fucking bin. Flowers are not the way to win back my trust. Keeping your dick in your pants (or mine… noone else’s!) is the way to go about it.
Similarly, I have the same distrust for men who come prepared with elaborate proposals of marriage. I seem to believe that men who have to try that hard to get the woman to say ‘yes’ must be trying to distract her from the reality of their personality or their relationship. Bombard her with helicopters, limousines & romance and she’ll feel too guilty to say no!
It’s actually something I’ve always loved about our relationship, the simplicity of it. It really doesn’t bother me that I don’t get showered with romance. As long as he tells me I’m cute, sexy, beautiful or hot on a regular basis and continues to be there for me whenever I need him, I can do without the romantic gestures!
Disillusioned
A friend of mine (yes, a real friend, not just a hypothetical “friend”) has recently begun experiencing trouble in her very fresh marriage. Married for less than a year, she had already begun suspecting her husband was having an affair with a friend of theirs. It’s more than a suspicion really.. the evidence she has gathered, whilst not completely conclusive, is pretty bloody strong. She has confronted both the husband and the friend, and whilst she hasn’t had a full-blown confession, neither is denying it as vehemently as she may have liked. This disturbs me!
I feel so, so sorry for her. She brushes it off, talks big… “I told him he is not allowed to associate with her at all unless it is in my company, or I will tell the right people and they will fuck him up!”. She’s angry, but I don’t think she’s hurting the way most would expect her to be hurting. I don’t think the hurt is about the possible ‘falling out of love’ part. It seems to be more about the injustice. The fact that he’s decided he’d prefer to spend time with this other woman over her. That he feels more attracted to, more drawn to this other woman than to my friend - because if he didn’t feel that way why would he risk his marriage for her? It seems to have bruised her ego more than it’s bruised her heart. She seems more angry at him for ruining the appearance of a good relationship rather than ruining their relationship.
I ask her how things are going, and she tells me that things are well. I don’t get the impression that they’ve sat down and had an honest conversation about the situation, even after the confrontations. As long as he promises not to see her anymore unless my friend’s in the room too, then she’s content with that. No long talks, no counselling, just threaten him with violence & pretend it never happened, go back to keeping up that appearance of a relationship.
I could possibly get over a cheating spouse, but not without alot of crying, discussion, forgiveness and probably moving to another time zone! How could someone go on with their relationship as if nothing suspicious had even entered their radar? I would be consumed by it.
D’ffrent stokes for d’ffrent folks, I guess. Baffling!
Leave This Life
My husband and I have had a number of conversations lately about simply packing up our lives and ‘running away’ from everything and everyone we know.
It makes me wonder about the logisitics of actually doing something like that. We are established here. We live in a town we’ve both lived in since Primary School, the husband has lived here his whole lifetime. Our immediate families all live within 45minutes drive of our house. We have permanent, well-paying jobs and a mortgage that depends upon these jobs. As much as people tell us otherwise, we are getting older, maybe even ‘too old’ for that sort of thing - we’re at the point in our lives where we’re really thinking about having children in the next few years. Besides, where would we go? What would we do when we got there? How long would we go for? What would happen to our ’stuff’? How would we support ourselves while we were away? I’m too useless for hard labour (no seriously. I can admit my flaws).
I feel really torn between a massive, enormous, life-changing adventure and the life we have worked so hard to build. At the end of the day, my logical mind knows it’s all just ’stuff’ - the cars, the house and everything within it. But my logical mind also knows that one day I will want children, and children need just that. A home to live in. A car to transport them to doctors appointments. Money to put food in their mouths. I want all that for myself too! Could we just give all that away and be confident that the world will provide us with another opportunity to build all that again?
But I don’t have any skills…
I realised recently that I have completely forgotten how to flirt! I’m not sure when this happened, because I have definite, real memories of flirting with other guys since being together with my now-husband (around seven years now). I don’t think it happened when we got married either, it seems like much longer than a year since I’ve had a good flirting session.
I just don’t know how this could’ve happened. I used to be such a super-flirt. I was good at it. There are literally two guys who can I think of who I’ve wanted and never managed to ’snag’. But I got pretty damn close. Both have since admitted they did want me at the time, but didn’t want to ruin a friendship. Even after I got together with my husband, it didn’t stop me. I don’t see flirting as a big deal, it’s not a relationship breaker. I think people operate better in their relationships when they feel wanted and feel sexy… even if they’re getting that boost, that ‘oompf’ from outside the relationship.
I think that I may have put the brakes on my flirting habit when I felt it was getting out of hand. I remember going to a party when one of the guys mentioned above arrived. He’d been overseas for a couple of years, so it was a big shock to everyone to see him there. He was definitely improving with age. The little ‘zing’ for me was still there, but I was taken. Really taken! But I still didn’t want to see him with anyone else, that would just ruin the night and make me jealous! I could see a few others around the room eyeing him off, so I felt I needed to do something about it.
So I did what I knew best… I flirted outrageously. We were buried deep in conversations about travel, family, life in general. It was as though the other 30-40 people at the house party we were at didn’t exist - he was interesting and interested in me, too. Things were going swimmingly until I went to the bathroom and came across a couple of other girls. “Things seem to be going well between you and OverseasBoy”. Eyebrows were raised. They knew I was taken, and the eyebrows are making more of a statement than their words ever could. I laughed, and spoke the truth, “If I can’t have him, nobody can”. Something flashed across the girls faces, and I knew I would be gossiped about later. I had totally just pissed off the sisterhood!
Thinking about it later, I was so ashamed of myself. Not for talking to him, not for flirting with him… but about not letting others talk or flirt with him! The fact that I made it all about me, made me think I had crossed the line and gone too far. It wasn’t harmless fun, there must’ve been a definite attraction there for me to act like that. It made me uncomfortable, and it made me feel guilty, like I really had been doing the wrong thing by my now-husband. I think this may have been the beginning of the end of my talent as a flirter-extraordinare.
How many of you ‘taken’ ones out there still give your flirting skills a regular workout?
*10 points for whoever identifies that movie quote.
Oh! My! God!
Oh, and this is already working! We can’t believe it… it’s making me so happy. And horny.
Libido and other lost loves…
I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be horny more than once a week.
Once a upon a time, I wanted sex all the time. I would only have to think about sex and there would be that dull ache in the sweetest of spots, anticipating what was to come (’scuse the pun). I’d always heard that a woman’s sexual peak arrives much later than a man’s (I think late-30’s for women vs. late teens for men), however that didn’t seem to be true for me. Whilst not wildly promiscuous, I was in no way a prude either and as long as there was an attraction there, I was up for it. The fact that I was on The Pill only made life easier - no need to worry about the condom breaking, as there was always a safety net anyway. No worry about pregnancy = free abandon in the bedroom. Or the car. Or at the beach. Basically, wherever the mood struck.
Sex was good with my then-boyfriend, now-husband from the beginning. I was his first, and I have moulded him to be my ideal lover, hopefully I have done the same for him. He was and still is, teh hotness. My type completely… tall, broad shoulders, dark hair, dark eyes, quiet and shy… delicious. But for some reason, the sex+us equation was starting to not add up. For one, we were having sex a lot less. And I was the problem. I never initiated sex, and when he did I either refused altogether, or simply obliged. But he and I could both tell it was becoming just that - an obligation. My vajeeen (thank you Borat) just didn’t want to come to the party. Not exactly what we envisaged for the next 50+years of our lives!
The kick up the arse for me came when my husband revealed his concerns for our marriage. While everything else about our marriage is literally perfect, it seems pretty empty without regular sex, particularly in your mid-20’s with no children, and therefore, no excuses! We have often said that we are each other’s best friend, but he was concerned we were becoming just that - best friends, not husband and wife. I started assessing where we could be going wrong.
After doing some research, it seems that the very thing that initially gave me sexual freedom may now be taking it away. The Pill. The secret libido killer, ruining marriages the world over. There is anecdotal evidence that The Pill is responsible for lowering the libido of millions of women, particularly after long-term use. I have been on it for around 10 years. Long-term enough for you?
So, I made the difficult decision to try life without The Pill for the first time in my adult life. I have many concerns. Pregnancy, acne, the size of my boobs (if they get any itty-bitty’er, I might as well be 9 years old). I can deal with these worries if it means making my husband (and me!) more satisfied. But I think the scariest thing of all is the ‘what if’? What if it doesn’t work? What does it it mean for ‘us’?
