Oh! My! God!
Oh, and this is already working! We can’t believe it… it’s making me so happy. And horny.
Libido and other lost loves…
I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be horny more than once a week.
Once a upon a time, I wanted sex all the time. I would only have to think about sex and there would be that dull ache in the sweetest of spots, anticipating what was to come (’scuse the pun). I’d always heard that a woman’s sexual peak arrives much later than a man’s (I think late-30’s for women vs. late teens for men), however that didn’t seem to be true for me. Whilst not wildly promiscuous, I was in no way a prude either and as long as there was an attraction there, I was up for it. The fact that I was on The Pill only made life easier - no need to worry about the condom breaking, as there was always a safety net anyway. No worry about pregnancy = free abandon in the bedroom. Or the car. Or at the beach. Basically, wherever the mood struck.
Sex was good with my then-boyfriend, now-husband from the beginning. I was his first, and I have moulded him to be my ideal lover, hopefully I have done the same for him. He was and still is, teh hotness. My type completely… tall, broad shoulders, dark hair, dark eyes, quiet and shy… delicious. But for some reason, the sex+us equation was starting to not add up. For one, we were having sex a lot less. And I was the problem. I never initiated sex, and when he did I either refused altogether, or simply obliged. But he and I could both tell it was becoming just that - an obligation. My vajeeen (thank you Borat) just didn’t want to come to the party. Not exactly what we envisaged for the next 50+years of our lives!
The kick up the arse for me came when my husband revealed his concerns for our marriage. While everything else about our marriage is literally perfect, it seems pretty empty without regular sex, particularly in your mid-20’s with no children, and therefore, no excuses! We have often said that we are each other’s best friend, but he was concerned we were becoming just that - best friends, not husband and wife. I started assessing where we could be going wrong.
After doing some research, it seems that the very thing that initially gave me sexual freedom may now be taking it away. The Pill. The secret libido killer, ruining marriages the world over. There is anecdotal evidence that The Pill is responsible for lowering the libido of millions of women, particularly after long-term use. I have been on it for around 10 years. Long-term enough for you?
So, I made the difficult decision to try life without The Pill for the first time in my adult life. I have many concerns. Pregnancy, acne, the size of my boobs (if they get any itty-bitty’er, I might as well be 9 years old). I can deal with these worries if it means making my husband (and me!) more satisfied. But I think the scariest thing of all is the ‘what if’? What if it doesn’t work? What does it it mean for ‘us’?
MIA
I’m not really sure where I got to or why I left this blog alone for so long. I’ve had a couple of blogs in the past where my anonymity was put at risk, where I probably released a little too much information. When creating this blog, I was deliberately vague (I don’t think I’ve even mentioned which country I live in) because I really felt I wanted to get some things off my chest and be as open as possible. Looks as though I didn’t have as much to get off my chest as I thought! I seemed to run out of steam. I think I’ve slowly come around to the fact that I don’t necessarily need to reveal anything shocking or ‘out there’ about myself to be interesting.. but at the same time, I’m all about quality rather than quantity. I don’t think I ever want to become one of those bloggers who goes on about what I had for breakfast just to keep people coming through the door. I want the blog to be for me, and if some readers identify with what I have to say… then, awesome.
Regrets
Ever done something you think you’ll regret forever? By forever, I really do mean that you’ll be an 90year old granny and it might be something that still plays on your mind.
When I was much much younger, and well before my and husband and I had even made it onto each other’s radars, I was involved in a relationship where I could be considered ‘the other woman’. Now, I was pretty young at the time, only 16 years old, so it’s not as if the guy was married. But he was in a serious relationship, and seeing me at the same time. I myself was on the rebound, and the only thing I don’t regret about the relationship was that it gave me the ability to forget about my ex completely and move onto bigger and brighter things. But before things got bigger and brighter, they got decidedly darker.
I posed for him, nude and with a pornographic flavour. It was something I wanted to do, but I don’t think I fully realised the possible consequences. I certainly didn’t imagine I’d still be thinking about them almost 10 years later. Somewhere out there are graphic images of me as a 16-year-old and I think about them quite frequently. Everytime I do, I think that it’s only a matter of time before they return bite me on the arse and ruin everything I have. My husband knows I wasn’t a virgin when we got together, but I doubt his imagination stretches as far as the content of these photographs. The person who has them is obviously not the trustworthy individual you would hope to be the custodian of such a personal insight into yourself. I have no idea if he still has them, I wouldn’t even know how to make contact with him… I can’t remember his surname at all. I could probably trace him through mutual friends, but that would stir up curiosity I just don’t want to stir up.
I know he has told a couple of people we used to both be friends with about them, but I don’t know how many people know and how many people have seen them. How many people in my outer circle of friends are looking at me, wondering if the rumours are true? How many people want to ask me, but don’t know how to broach the subject? If they did… what would I say?
I feel this secret sometimes prevents me from doing things I want to do. I don’t want to become a successful business owner or win a huge lotto prize, in case they come out of the woodwork and try to blackmail me or something. I would never go into the Big Brother house or any other reality TV show - not because I don’t think it’s my scene, but because I’m worried that once I was on TV he’d sell the pictures and they’d be published for everyone to see.
The irony is, I never saw the pictures myself. It’s as though a stranger owns a piece of me that even I don’t know or understand.
Honesty’s the best policy… Honestly!
I seem to be the only one in this world who wants people to be honest with me.
I often get in trouble for speaking my mind a little too quickly, or for telling people how I see a situation. That’s because I tell it how I really see it, not a bucket full of bullshit. I prefer that people do the same with me too. Even when I say that, I honestly mean it! I’m sick of people who think they want the truth, then get in a mad sulk about things when you tell them what’s really on your mind.
I feel like there’s only a couple of people in my life who I can trust to really put it out there for me… my husband, my dad, and a couple of people at work. It kinda concerns me that I don’t have anyone in my circle of friends who I feel does that for me. Maybe the politics in that area of my life is too precariously balanced to expect anyone to want to upset it? I just think it’s disappointing that two work colleagues have more true, deep honesty than some of my closest friends. What a strange situation! I really want someone to say to me now and then “fuck, what the hell are you wearing, that’s two hundred degrees of grossness. Try harder next time!”. Diplomacy is over-rated, especially amongst friends who have been together since primary school!
But I love it…
Recent conversation with close friends have proven I’m a little bit unusual.
They seem to be using sex as a tool to get what they want out of their relationships. I try not to play these games.
When I say I don’t feel like having sex, I mean I don’t feel like having sex. Not that I might feel like it if you tell me something I want to hear. If I’m not in the mood, there’s very little you can do or say to get me in the mood.
I’ve recently heard a number of people state that oral sex is off the list at various cut-offs in the relationship. One woman said that out after six months, she no longer needs to suck cock. As though it’s a chore. A guy at my husband’s work told him a joke - “You know why Brunette was smiling so much as she walked down the aisle on your wedding day? She knew she’d never have to suck your dick again”. It’s like people see oral sex as the one thing no-one wants to perform, but everybody loves to receive. The thing that hooks people in. Then once you have what you want, you give it up.
I prefer it to actual sex. Sex is good, but oral, both giving and receiving, is better. Giving head makes me feel horny. Receiving head makes me cum so much harder and faster. Often when giving or receiving, I’ll imagine intercourse… which then makes intercourse so much better because of the anticipation and because I’m linking it to wicked pleasure in my mind.
For some reason, I’m not the dirty girl. I can’t tell people this stuff. When I disagree, somehow I end up feeling like my opinion is a little warped, and I shouldn’t say it aloud. Instead, I talk to my husband about it afterwards. It helps him to appreciate me a little more. And together, we say “poor bloke” about the other guy.
Who wears the pants?
Relationships are so fluid, they are always changing. I used to wonder how people all of a sudden stopped loving each other, how two people could be so besotted with each other one moment, and then seemingly without anything catastrophic happening, couldn’t stand to be in the same room as one another.
Around me lately, there have been so many break-ups. Relationships that seemed rock solid have teetered precariously for a short time, before crumbling. It just goes to show, you have no idea what is going on behind closed doors. Other relationships which you were sure wouldn’t (couldn’t?) last out the year have suddenly strengthened, and now just seem to work.
My relationship has been a long one - we got married a few weeks ago, after six years together. During that six years, we’d separated twice, for literally a day at a time. This was many years ago now, the first being when an old crush was interested in me, and returned to the scene. I wasn’t sure I could live with the ‘what ifs’ if I didn’t at least satisfy some element of my curiosity. It was a mistake. I knew the whole time I was on that ‘date’ that it wasn’t going anywhere, and that as soon as it was over, I was calling my partner and fixing all the damage I’d done. The second time we split (again, for only a day or two) was when we’d first moved out of home together, and it just all seemed too much. He came back after a couple of days when we realised we really couldn’t live without each other.
I still feel this is true, but I also know that noone enters a marriage expecting it to end one day. Everyone hopes it is forever. I can feel our dynamics changing, and the relationship is evolving. We say that nothing feels different or has changed since the wedding, but I think there are subtle differences to the way we talk to one another and how we think of one another. He is becoming more confident, more willing to put his foot down and push his opinion. This is actually a relief, I have always felt I was ‘the boss’, the one who made the final decisions, the one who researched what our next move was, the one who made it all work. He’s becoming more of a partner.
Disconnected
Ever get the feeling you’re disconnected from your own life?
It’s a funny feeling, in the pit of your chest, literally like your heart is hurting. It’s as though you no longer know or remember who the true-you is. Did you ever know? The closest I’ve ever heard it described is on real-life medical shows when they tell the patient that a side effect of a medication is a feeling of ‘impending doom’. I remember having this feeling for the very first time when I was about 6 years old. I know I was around this age, because we still lived in England at the time. Nothing out of the ordinary had happened, but I felt a disconnection from myself and those around me, which suddenly caused me to feel so incredibly sad that I burst into tears. The feeling passed after a few moments, and even now as I try to recall more recent episodes of this feeling, I can’t put my finger on its trigger.
Sometimes it happens, it goes away, I feel fine and forget about it. As I get older, I’m beginning to worry more about it. My family has a history of mental illness, both diagnosed (great-aunts institutionalised) and undiagnosed (my mother has had a ‘mid-life crisis’ of sorts over the past four years, my sister has shown signs of having some rather large issues, both biological grandfathers have addictive personalities… one to women and generally being a butthead, the other to alcohol). I suppose I feel nervous that perhaps I might be next. I feel completely normal almost all the time, but once every few months, I’ll have a ‘moment’ where I feel like I don’t even know myself.
I think there is concern from my husband as well, that maybe I’ll do what my Mum did, throw up my hands, tell him to “get fucked, I want my youth back”, take half of everything we built together and proceed to piss it up the wall on plastic surgery and other bullshit. I can’t think of anything worse, I really can’t stand that element of my mother’s personality and her life, and cannot imagine going down the same road. But I doubt that was her plan either in her early twenties. How can I guarantee it? I want to be there for him forever, but what if my mind does all of a sudden decide it wants to be pashing young things at the disco once again… and the only thing standing in my way of that and world full of other fun is my husband?
Sometimes I feel like I can’t trust my mind in 20 years time. Is being aware of the possibility enough to stop it coming true?
What marriage means to me…
It’s probably not what you think. Although it is all the usual stuff, you know, being a team, loving each other eternally, not being able to imagine yourself without this person, this man who knows you so well and who you can see youself growing old with.
Marriage to me also means the end of a fantasy. I don’t think I could ever compromise this marriage by bringing someone else into it, yet it’s something I think about quite alot. I imagine that my husband would be ecstastic if I told him that I think about threesomes all the time, that when I think about it, I can orgasm in about 5 seconds flat. If I’m not thinking about threesomes with him and a woman, then I’m just thinking about being with a woman! Isn’t it every man’s dream?
I know that I should be able to tell him everything, after all he is the man who I have trusted everything to. I do trust him, it’s actually that I almost trust him too much. I believe he will want it too, even if it’s only because I want it (ha! who am I kidding…) and it sort of scares me. I’ve heard too many times of the jealously that can eat away at a relationship when a fantasy is lived out and doesn’t go according to plan. I just don’t want to risk ruining the marriage if it all turns to shit!
I feel sometimes that I should’ve gotten this feeling out of my system before I got married. But you can’t help who and when you fall in love, and I happened to fall in love before the opportunity had arisen. I wasn’t about to throw that all away for the sake of a sexual fantasy.
I’m hoping that this blog will help me to get down my thoughts, think about life, relationships, my sexuality in a clearer light. It feels so much better to just get that down in a post… I feel like I’ve been thinking about it for eight years! It doesn’t bring me any closer to finding a solution, but hopefully as time passes I will get some clarity.
Setting the scene
So much hinges on the first post. It means the world to the author, as it dictates to some extent what sort of posts will follow. It’s been a conscious decision for this blogger to make this blog more about what’s going on inside and less about the mundane that is most days of my life. It’s a happy mundane… mundane really has such a negative ring to it, but I see it as being part of the same family as contentment, stability… certainly not negative ideas.
It’s an opportunity to get out some of my deepest secrets, to get my fantasies & thoughts down in writing. I suspect that writing them down is the next step on the way to saying them aloud, which I hope will have a great impact on my life.
